The verge...

Those eyes,
almost swelled,
with whatever inside...

Hold it back,
it just ain't the time,
of renounce...

Hard to hide,
what the heart wants,
though the mind try to abide...

The yearns, the want,
halted in between,
the reality that bites...

Hold on...put up a fight,
don't you dare give up,
until the end comes...

"in between dreams of reality"

Pieces of 2009

JANUARY : l i s t l e s s

"and weary from these"

FEBRUARY : c u r i o u s i t y

"finding something beyond me"

MARCH : r u n a w a y

"escape from the tanglement of reality...a total bliss"

APRIL : c r o s s r o a d s

"either way...still unable to escape the shit"

MAY : h e a r t a c h e c h e

"such an ordeal...to just embrace thee"

JUNE : h e c t i c

"as if everything is falling"

JULY : c o m p o s ed

"start to be conscious over the value of every ride"

AUGUST : p a r a d i s e

"finally, found a nest called home"

SEPTEMBER : t r a n s i t i o n

"even, i don't know any better"

OCTOBER : b e g i n n i n g

"but...my hand is very clean...still "

NOVEMBER : d e v o t i o n s

"friendship that never cease to surprise me"

DECEMBER : p e r p l e x i r o n i c s t r a n g e

"that this continue to be true since 1984 "(-_-;)

"Greetings....2010"

State of nothingness...

Freedom...

sounds exciting, exhilarating. to obtained it people have died, sacrificing themselves for what they believe an act for the bigger picture, for the greater good. they died for the sake of a brighter future of the next generations.

All that is true...

i had a taste of freedom, in a smaller scale. freedom to do what i love, what i believe in. to materialize a dream that for so long buried deep in me, or at least that what i was lead to believe. in the end, i did nothing...ashamed is a mere words to describe it, pathetic is a small part that creating cancer towards my being...

All that was true...

i'm scraping whatever left in me to prove i can conquer back my own land...the vast land that have been left empty just because I felt safe and secure that it's forever would be mine. forgetting... whatever it is, that we profess its ours....if we left it empty, it will eventually become barren and then turn into nothing...

All that is true...

for without passion to dream and without hope to breath, we might as well end up dead and be nothing...

"freedom,they eats from the inside...sometimes..."

the shivers ...

My hand is still shivering...

At least better compared to a moment ago when the whole body is trembling.

"God...I'm so very lucky" something high above is protecting me...I can almost feel it.

Feeling my physical being, looking around my car...How can we actually left the scene unharmed with no scratch whatsoever that can possibly mark the event that just happened, which have the ability to cause something catastrophic...I'm so relief, beyond belief!!.

I was driving back from the airport. The air is moist from the rainy morning and it is still drizzling. I was about to take an exit, when my car suddenly go crazy, I can't control it like how i used to, its swayed left and right and theres a vivid image of the barrier and the green down hill.I swerved away from it! Yet the car still moved beyond my control, like a 15 years old teenager rebelling against the parent for the first time.

Then, I hit the break and can almost feel the car was flying, as normal people would say "it was a drift"...I held the steering tight, I guess at that particular moment, universe took over...

I lost that few second of my life and then I realize my car had stopped in the middle of the road facing another direction...cars on the other side were looking and might be thinking "Why is this girl do a U-turn in the middle of a curvy highway road"...I was still in shocked, still in auto-mode, move the car closer to the barrier...looking around, is it the car? what just happened? at that moment... semi paralyzed.

I saw a silver kancil followed by a light blue oil tank coming in front of me...why is the truck is light blue? where's my phone? No!!..I have to do something.."God...help me" I cringe...then I hit the triangle thing..and ya..have to do this..*honk...*honk...*honk...until both vehicles passed by me...and I saw another one coming...*honk..*honk...

Then I saw a black SUV on the other side stopped.He was signaling something as if I'm capable of comprehending me or the situation...wheres my phone?...

The guy came down, signaling me to get out from the car , "yes! found my phone" I should go out but unable to moved my body still. I opened the door, the guy came closer, asked me what had happened and chattering about something and that I have to turn my car around. I got out from the car, pale as a ghost cause I feel no blood gushing through my brain...all of them seems to be hiding in a sacred place somewhere...

I felt cold down to my spine, he asked for the key and turn my car around.I stood still and heard he said... "Try to drive until the toll, if anything wrong, you can give me a call, here's my card." I gave him a stupid node, don't even remember a thank you...went inside the car and drove away...trembling and shaking...

I drove 70km/h all the way back to the big city, and slowed until 40km/h at every turn...my hand and the steering is vibrating still...

I remembered, he said something...

"Hey, I think your back tires all flat already..."

I replied...

"Huh, never mind la...I think still ok..."

After I reached the office, I almost thought whatever happened seems like a dream...

Then i look at the passenger seat, I saw a blue name card, with an angel name on it...

Inside me...the shivers...again...

"God, thank you for letting me play around some more"

bloommimg.....day....

Lately...a lot of things tends to bother me. a lot of thing seems need to be adjusted.Why is that?those things that i never really mind so much before, come haunting me, distracting me from my blissful sleep.

I was laid back and pretty much easy to satisfied before, now even my food doesn't seems edible if its not prepared properly. Maybe I just upgraded myself in term of fussiness but then, I also annoyed with my own laziness and procrastination, not that its a bad thing but...still why am I keep being mad at me.. (0_0)..

As the theory goes, whatever we do in life, maybe our career, might have a certain impact to our ways of thinking, when i was in design line, my critical mind focus most of the time on product, mainly the current project. Now, as my line change to education, the focus swayed from product to people...including me...

Hoping for a better me...always...

"The monster keep on looking and lurking"

A bit of this...

this is work...
this is life...

this is scary...
this is ironic...

this is wish...

this is fact...


this is true...

this is real...
this is rare..but still...

Hour worth...

I think this story is worth sharing...

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.
SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.
'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.
'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.
'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.
'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of us working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

"Thanks for all families and friends for accepting my request" :)