The reminder

"never give up...never forget"

Keeping the sanity

"moving on...one step at a time"

resolute.

To work more...
To draw more...
To write more...
To love more...

Its june..but its never too late for resolutions. 

the lump

the moment

The pursuit

2013 have proven to be long, hectic..stormy...windy and now feel like I'm about to close it with acceptance..yet its only labor day...

There are a few moment in life that I meet weird people giving me weird advices as if they knew me their whole life..its freaking annoying sometimes yet I could not brush up the epiphany and the serendipity that come with it...All in all...these strangers keep on reminding me to go run for my dream that I've been taking half -assedheartedly for many reasons and various excuses...

For now I would just close my eyes...wake up at 5am tomorrow and start chasing the freaking dream...spent another night on a white sheet..waking up to a strange smell...in another town...another place...I hope I could at least fathom a smile in between the pursuit of thee...

the closed eyes

there are no more words I could say,
there are no more sounds I could make,

I can only close my eyes,
and feel it with my heart,

hoping it will reach yours ,

someday...somehow...

Breath

Advice from the guru...


"When it gets tough....focus on breathing...."


Works like wonders!!

The Need

something constant
to keep us sane.... 






delft,netherlands 





 

The Muddle

When I learn how to walk straight,
You push me to the left,
When everything is right,
You pull me back and take me to the side...

With tears...
With smiles...
With sweats...

With everything that I have,
I learn...I experience...I persevere,
Believing I'll survive...

I still believe...

Yet...you took away the ground...
Should I swim?
Or fly?

Either way,
I've leave all the baggage that weighing me down,
I've given up all those that I love,
As much as the one I detest...

Yet..the journey is still far...

Beaten up, torn apart,
Pieces of me sewn back,
With your guidance and comfort,
To this otherwise muddle soul...

But I might not make it this time...

Can I wish for a nest?
A refugee...
An escape ...
Just for a while...

Somewhere...
Where one can sit and smile to the sun...
With birds flying on a blue blue sky...

Patience

If you show patience, I'll rid you of this virtue
 
If you fall asleep, I'll rub the sleep from your eyes
 
If you become a mountain, I'll melt you in fire
 
And if you become an ocean, I'll drink all your water



Rumi 

The North Moon

Shining bright...

A blue night...

Never once experience before...




 Sundsvall,Sweden

Anna Karenina

Yesterday I went to watch Anna Karenina...an installment that would be impossible to read and finish..honestly...its not the best option but I just knew I had to watch them...at least...

How they capture the movie was interesting because it felt as if you are watching a theater but with a lot of close-up of Jude Law and the heavenly eyes of Aaron Taylor...but the real star of the movie is of course the story of a twisted tragedy that got me thinking ..afterwards..which make it a really good story...

What struck me the most is the idea that, if we have everything that seems perfect....just like what Anna have..would someone actually fight for love and lose everything? it takes a lot of sense of being...courage...to know how loves feel and believing that it is the right feeling..and fight for it while the rest of the world see you as someone stupid...

Love a beautiful feeling that we treasure the most but it comes with the risk of ending up feeling alone, like you are stark naked in the middle of a cold city...when the other person didn't gives a sense of security or even worse when they actually leave...but if we are able to forgive and continue living with what we have... there might be a new beginning..but if not...maybe just like Anna's...it will end a sad tragic story..

And for Karenin despite Anna's infidelity and his anguish towards her...he couldn't deny the feelings in his eyes...and he could only do what most of normal human like us would think..."what did i do wrong to deserve this?"

Being in such helpless situation...would one fight? would one hate? would one be able to forgive...it would have been most typical for Karenin to hate but he forgives instead...Thats also what Anna told Dolly (her sister in law)..forgiveness..it seems like the key to everything...

Still a question remains..is there a reason you love? Then it make me realize we probably don't have any reason to love someone because we just do...the others reason are just reasons...irrespective of how we feel...they might be a thousands of reasons to love someone but you never do..and there are also thousands of reasons not to fall for someone and sometimes you just fell...because it feel right...So those who fall for someone that gives them a sense of security, accepted by their family and fit in the society, are the most lucky ones because the have a higher chance of a happy ending and the one that missed those factors totally, are the one that might be part of a tragic story...so in this situation forgiveness might be the card for a new beginning...but then

“And you know, there's less charm in life when you think about death--but it's more peaceful.” ...

So thanks to Tolstoy...I think excessively about love and life tonight....so maybe the next one would be 'war and peace'....

the spot

tainted with hate,

spoiled by love,

a Soul,

yearning to purify,

looking for the white lies,

so scared,

so alone,

so confuse,

a Soul,

just want to smile,

just want to heal,

just want to be...

once a peaceful being...

Light of Prague

Quiet light...

Dwell by the antique road...

Of old shops and scary dolls...

As we walk past the quiet road,

Life of light, unconsciously...
ready to unfold...

1 clip of 2011

I bid 2010 with heavy explosion of firework that started in Prague at 7pm..no kidding the people over there play with fireworks in the middle of the street...but the real fireworks seen from Charles Bridge that was fueled with people and their spirit is simply impressive.

Pieces of the fireworks view were capture in my mind together with the people, singing and welcoming 2011...

Ohh 2010..u are gone...I'm in the other side of the world...a place my mind would never have perceived back then..how small we are in this big universe...

fighter...of the other dimension

10 things about 2010

1. It creeps in like an angel in disguise.making me unaware of the future it gonna unfold
2. Life feel at a stagnant yet super comfy stage...I'm happy...
3. Laissez-faire'..that was me in half part of it...almost drown and lost in between dream and reality..literally..
4. Given a dream of opportunity or sometimes I think the universe is getting tired of the lazy me, so it forces me to stand and straight away go for a fight...
5. It was a crucial battle of decision, getting desperate, but realizing how much I'm blessed with family, friends and people that have faith in me more than I did for myself. Everyday I saw the earth, my pray goes to them deeply...for I know I couldn't ever repay 'kindness and love'.
6. Relive my life in 14 days, from school like motivation camp, to the place where I got my degree, and getting super sick and taking care by mommy like a baby.
7. Leaving....
8. New World..New Order...it did take quite sometimes too adjust after 26 years being inside such a comfort zone and to have that bubble burst...was quite a slap of change.
   
9. Well what's life if we did not have to make it better! But my cooking skill still did not develop any better though...*sigh
10. Excited, scared, exhilarating, experimenting...life to be continue...

as good as its get...

Finished a book, and realize how scary and brutal religious extremist can be. I'm not someone who can be called religious , but I was brought up within an Islamic surrounding. Combine with a mixtures of different people and cultures around me.

the Islam that I know in my country, somewhat more open, more subtle . Ya, there's have some restriction here and there, especially on the boy and girls, the alcohol and I wonder what else is there. Its funny that once you are away from the place that you love, you can only remember the good things that they can offer.

Nevertheless, what struck me the most is the beauty of the community (I'm disregarding the government here because I think they hardly have a good argument upon their decision, the uproar about Kartika, the girls who consume alcohol in public was chaotic and confusing for something that is called law which supposed to upheld justice). Although is not a totally free country like the West, they have boundaries yet it did not consume and take control over the life of everybody.

Somehow this remind me back to my own parent. Growing up I was always being concern by mama, who was keen on our religious belief. While ayah can be quite open and loose about the matter. He often accept our action together with a valid argument. For me, I could never ask for a better combination than this. I'm controlled yet still can be creative about it.

As someone who is born and raise in such community, I realize how different life is for a girl in another country with an extreme community. Where their genitals are being circumcised and sewn shut to keep them pure, predetermined future husband, they are not allowed to drive, even to sent their sick child to the hospital. Some even being killed and burned for the honor of their family.

I'm thankful that up until now, this were stories that I read, not the one that I live.

Nevertheless, that was real, tears and blood drip on the hand of extremist. Personally, I believe at one point people have to compromise, relent and tolerate. Partly it does happen in Malaysia, though that was far from perfect, that is as good as its get, for the time being....

Moon smile...

I asked him..."do you miss me?"
He said " yes...of course i do"
And I ask again..."how much?"
He would always said "as much as u did dear..."

I was silly...
and he was lying...

Then, he finally admit...
He sometimes didn't miss me...
back then...
Those words are just an escape...
The easier way, a safer place...

My reality was different then...
It was filled with flying fairies and perfect pony...

He smiles...
and I chuckled a little bit...

"It's ok not to miss me..."

Now i look at the star...
Then smile at the moon...

weekend project I

Its been so long i haven't really do any kind of craft work (and yes..updating in here as well.. ), this idea has been in the back of my head quite sometime. Now it is about time this idea is manifested. Just a simple weekend project, the ladies might understand why I need this...for all our earrings, bracelet, necklace and wutever accessories we might hoards over the years...

The stuff I manage to find.

I just moved to a new place so it was it take me quite some time to find the right material with a cheap price. This is what I manage to find and we'll see how it turn out to be! The black mat with holes is a cheap placemat -1euro, I found in Euroland and some used boxes are cut out to make the structure. Others are the string -49cent (it's really hard to get things when it is almost 6pm here, so this is the best option i have..).

The black placemat are cut according to the measurement, then I start to tie the string around to attach the structure with the placemat.

So this is how it look like from the front.This might take some time and you can actually be creative with this. Tie it differently or just used a tape for a faster result. I guess with this string, it gave kinda like a traditional, home-made effect, so a black string, colored ribbon, even wires can be used to get a different style.


This is the main part of the 'Capseri' (the name of this modular accessories organizer concept). You can make a different size and shape based on the your room and the amount of accessories that you have. After this is done, my stomach start to work out as well drumming and grumbling...aihhh.... Cooking time *I do miss those ordering time for food.......today's menu is Grilled Salmon..*I always am lazy to cook, so end up with simple stuff most of d time.


After dinner is done, the works continues...I created a some hanging holes for the bracelet holder, as well as the necklace. The parts that holds the bracelet, is also used to put the small earrings. So this is the final result. All this part can be customized accordingly so I really dings this idea. You can used a different color cloth, felt or other means of material to add to your own 'Capseri'. Maybe even hang small dolls, or pictures as decorations.

Simple, easy and really look like a handcrafted material. I guess with a better material, more sophisticated style can be achieved but this is practical enough for now. Fast to make, cheap, recycle material and yeah..serve it main purpose. New un-sharpened pencil are used as the bracelet holder, chopstick, pipe or even those metal tubes can be used, as long as it can be hang in between the holes.

This is the final result..with all my accessories available for now.

It really fun to do this craft things again, I have almost forgotten how good it feels to make something like this. A simple daily things...

Why this is called "Capseri"..it have something to do with a carpet of accessories... :)

Capseri...